“Dr. Dixie, the words “enabling” and “co-de‑pendency” get tossed around a lot in our psy‑chological culture. What do they mean? It sounds like it is harmful to be helpful!”
Helping those in need is a good trait that makes God visible to others. But trying to “guarantee” that the one we’re help‑ing never feels unhappy is evidence of a good de‑sire that’s out of balance. God often works within the misery of consequences to bring about essential change. We obstruct emotional and spiritual matu‑rity when we constantly minimize the painful conse‑quences of sin, for ourselves and for others. Used negatively, an “enabler” is one who makes it possible—even easier—for another person to con‑tinue in prideful, self-indulgent, destructive behav‑ior. For example, a person might enable a gambler or compulsive spender by lending them money to “get out of debt”. Enablers generally believe they are acting out of love to help or protect a person, but shielding the one indulging in destructive behavior from the painful consequences of their choices sim‑ply worsens a persistent sin problem.
“Enabling” is part of a larger problem known by a common buzzword “codependence”. This is de‑scriptive of someone who remains in a situation of substance abuse or severe emotional manipulation because they need the destructive behaviors of the other person. “Codependent” describes one who “needs to be needed”; “needs” to be a rescuer; “needs” the other person to continue destructive choices so there will be ongoing opportunities to come to their aid.
For example, one spouse is an alcoholic; the oth‑er is not. Fighting escalates when the non-drinking spouse announces that alcohol will not be allowed in the house. When the alcoholic repeatedly violates the ultimatum, eventually the non-drinker decides that the fighting is worse than the drinking, and re‑sentfully gives in—sometimes even purchasing the alcohol.
God says, “the one who relies on frail people and turns his heart and mind away from the Lord will be cursed with great evil; living like a shrub in a parched, uninhabited salt land.” This condition de‑scribes the emotional state of both the one with the original problem, and the one who encourages the problem to continue. God goes on to say, “But most blessed is the one who trusts, hopes in and relies on the Lord. He shall be like a tree, planted by the river, whose roots spread out and go deep. This one shall not be anxious when drought comes, and will not cease to be fruitful.” (Jeremiah 17:5-8) The long-term answer for selfish, out-of-control behavior in any form, including enablement, is to lean on the Lord for determination, strength and wisdom; making choices to stop soothing painful consequences caused by destructive behavior.
Wrong enablement produces emotional and spiri‑tual disablement. However, not all forms of enabling are negative. We enable children to grow spiritual‑ly and emotionally when we love them and model the love of Jesus. Children and adults are enabled to view themselves as God does when we spend time listening to them with respect and acceptance; reminding them that God says they are important and valuable because they are created in His image. We enable others to reach their highest and fullest potential when we encourage and instruct from the word of God. This is enabling in the best sense of the word.
Hebrews 3:12-13: “Brethren, take care lest there be found in you a wicked, unbelieving heart, turning you away from the living God. Instead, admonish, urge and encourage one another as long as it is called “today”, so that none of you may be hardened into rebellion by the fraudulent, delusive glamour of sin.” Infinite Grace Ministries exists to lead hurting people into the freedom of living each day fully in the relationship with God that Jesus died and rose again to make available to anyone who will receive it. Call 580-774-2884 to take advantage of this ministry opportunity today!
